MFA, Thoughts & Exploration

Identity as a Survivor: Trauma, Memory & Therapy

hrp437

Words of encouragement in my takeaway from a Break the Silence event earlier this year.

Heading into vital time for my graduate studies in between semesters this summer, I was at a point of conflict with my practice:  how to respond to the urgency and pervasiveness of sexual assault in the United States and what material form, if any, would it take?

Although there was a definite progression in the participatory work I had made thus far both inside and outside the program, I found myself disappearing from the work. In an attempt to find the balance between audience comprehension, agency, and self reflection with my own story and relevance as a survivor, I made it the subject of my last paper entitled, Rape Culture in Participatory Work: Maintaining Identity while Communicating with a Broad Audience. To rationalize maintaining an identity in my work, I briefly analyzed critiques and ethics of participatory work, reviewed current statistics of sexual assault in the United States, reflected on quotes from Foucault and Butler on power and sexuality, and finally, to tie it back into material considerations, I looked at the work of Wangechi Mutu and Tracey Emin. The paper itself convincingly says, yes, my identity matters in the relevance and comprehension of the works and concludes with
“The question then is not how I can engage an audience through my material choices, but what materials are most appropriate, as rooted in my experience as a survivor and for audience comprehension?”

The urgency, from reading articles, dissecting polarized responses, and being a part of a local survivor community, helped me realize that enough was enough for my situation. I no longer wanted my life to be run by fear, anxiety, and depression due to being sexually assaulted. Whereas for a long time I was able to suppress these barriers through an emotional numbing, dissociation, and self-medication, everything became completely overwhelming in the last few months. Thus, I’ve made major choices to help myself heal – through medication and a commitment to at least six months of therapy every week.

As so many others seek to reclaim their mind and body from trauma and oppression, I have begun documenting objects that I’ve kept through many states and many moves in my lifetime. More often than not, these objects are stand ins for people who are no longer in my life or I have kept at a distance because of my rape. They are records of a time that I can no longer identity with, however are integral to finding my place now.

Trauma is linked to memory loss and the distortion of reality.  

hrp063

A shot of me from high school where I had many misconceptions about relationship roles, sexuality, and self, not long before I was assaulted.

hrp050

It’s difficult for me to see these photos from my childhood, where my sisters and I would be dressed up; for me, like a fantasy or sexual object.

Advertisements
Standard
MCAD, Thoughts & Exploration

MFA Candidacy Evaluations & Reflection

I spent the weekend away in Chicago to kick off “Spring Break” to evaluate how my work is progressing and how it correlates with my research.  In about 5 weeks, my 1st year peers and I will be reviewed for MFA candidacy.  Are we prepared to enter year 2 and prepare for graduation/professional careers?

This mid-term review involves presenting a cohesive body of work, an artist statement, and process book to a committee.  In my mind, it’s an opportunity to hone in on what really matters in my art practice and reevaluate my methodologies, solidify pertinent influences, and place myself in the contemporary art world.  Additionally, we have a major research paper due at the end of the semester that can effectively prepare us for the review.

_DSC2273

Detail, Untitled (Perpetuating the Cycle), 2016

 

As I take this week to reflect, work, and read, here are a few things that have been occupying my thoughts:

+ In an attempt to find an artist working with sexual identity that made sense in the context of my work, I wrote my mid-term essay on the invisible nature of sexual violence and Tracey Emin.  Sitting down to spend some time with Emin lit a fire that was out; I was numb.  The raw nature of her imagery, interviews, and performances made me feel exposed, overwhelmed, and ashamed.

In this same time frame, I also participated in a Break the Silence event, where I volunteered and ran an art table.  In hearing other survivors tell their stories, I built up the confidence to tell my story, and for the first time since I was assaulted, I allowed myself to grieve publicly.  To hear the words, “I believe you”, helped dissolve some of layers of guilt and revealed patterns of self-deprecation.  I was able to face Emin’s drawings.

 

+ Learning more about participatory art and its criticisms made visible the wall I had built between myself and my audience through instruction and interaction in order to protect my own vulnerability.  I felt a disconnect in my visual language that prevented me from reaching my viewer.  So, I had made the decision to focus on painting this semester, specifically to think about abstraction.  The result for my first critique were 8 shaped paintings, yet the disconnect remained.

 

+ Abstraction, primarily through a mixed media approach (oil paint, pencil, chalk, etc), has been the most logical way for me to communicate in the last 5 years.  That nature, however,  was really a disguise for coping and putting pieces back together; it is not yet a language that urges people to act or possibly even react.  I know a lot of people would say that my paintings are not necessarily passive, but the spectrum of emotion in them is subdued, put out, silenced.  This is a reflection of the cultural climate in which I operate as a rape survivor.

 

+ In my first critique of this semester a couple weeks ago, my critique teacher made a point to tell me that other artists use their trauma as a way to avoid criticism of their art work.  Although this was general advice and not a targeted, personal attack, I continue reading more under the surface:

“Your vulnerability and experience makes us uncomfortable, so choose your language carefully as to not seem defensive or overly upset.”

In reality, this is something I am painfully familiar with; continually feeling uncomfortable in order to make others feel comfortable.  I don’t mean this in a conformity aspect of how we should act in a critique or institutional setting, I am referring to masking mental illness, to the discomfort of operating in a skin that feels owned by others, to suppressing a level of anger and sadness that does not go away with time, only through coping mechanisms.

 

+  So, is abstraction an effective way to communicate this discomfort and the full range of my experience?  I am no longer as convinced (at least through painting) in terms of an authentic reflection of myself.  Unfortunately, I see complacency and comfort in painting that is limiting my practice, at least right now.

 

_DSC2268

Detail, Untitled (Perpetuating the Cycle), 2016

Standard
Thoughts & Exploration

Goals & Skepticism – 2016

Although it is a reality that I have the rest of my life to enact change, there is a great pressure to achieve greatness during the next year and a half while I attend grad school.

As I read articles and books aligned with and against my viewpoints, that pressure has become a wall.  I continue to ask myself, “what is the best path to take to ensure that people in the future have better opportunities, access to education, and the knowledge of their physical and emotional environments to lead healthy lives”?

Researching for my graduate assistantship in Sustainability further complicates this question as I realize the amount of barriers in the way of taking care of the planet.

What has become concrete, through conversations with my peers, is that there is no single set path to achieve these goals.

Looking at the history of participatory art via Claire Bishop’s Artificial Hells:  Participatory Art and the Politics of Spectatorship has helped me realize why I chose this methodology during my first semester in grad school and also how those reasons are flawed and problematic.

I began to think that art had lost its magic; that art was too passive for society today.  To bypass the hypocrisy of selling art to a supposed elite through the traditional gallery settings and rally against the failures of capitalism, participatory art/engaging an audience directly/creating a memorable experience may be an answer.

However, artwork that functions within the viewer/object relationship is still effective.  So I continue to paint in this context as well to improve my visual vocabulary.

There is still a lot that I don’t know and can’t assume to know.

For more clarification, I want to keep learning, continue the conversation, and do my best not to get discouraged.  Next semester, I will be auditing an Art in Community class with an instructor who has done incredible work in the Twin Cities.  This opportunity fell into place with perfect timing as I question my role as an artist and the direction in which my work should go.

 

 

 

 

Standard
MCAD Life, MFA Semester 1

MCAD Week 2: GA + Where is my Brain?

This week, I began my Graduate Assistantship with the Minneapolis College of Art & Design as part of the Sustainability Environmental Action Committee (SEAC) to “reduce energy and waste, promote conservation, and decrease MCAD’s impact on the environment”.  In the cafeteria are bins not only for trash, but for recycling and composting as well!

I am incredibly excited this year to work to learn the waste policies of the Twin Cities, contribute my knowledge and research to MCAD’s initiatives, and create lasting solutions for the community at large.

===

When it comes to painting, my brain went from mush on Monday to a puddle mid-week to a traveling vapor by Friday. Although expected, my classes and interactions are challenging everything about the way I think and create work. Not only about content, but about my process, materials, etc. Finding a balance will not come easily.

The advice I’ve been receiving about representation vs. non-representation in abstract art, asking questions versus offering answers, paint as plastic as material, and the great game of “this looks like this!” in my work has been really insightful, if not immediately grinding at times. I was absorbing and purging viewpoints as I painted, until I realized that I was losing sight of my vision. But this is what I love.

This is the amount of time, thought, and care we put into expressing some idea, letting materials live on their own, and/or sharing our experiences.

Sexuality series wip

Work in progress

Standard
exhibition, MCAD Life, MFA Semester 1

MCAD Week 1 + Meeting Waters

The incredible amount of advice, opportunity, diversity of practices, and level of expectation thus far at the Minneapolis College of Art & Design is just what I was looking for in a Master’s program.

I am proud to have made it through my first week with my mental health intact!
Already I am hoarding a few books from the library to dissect and inform my practice (which is already changing).

The challenge will be mostly in choosing my focus out of the many themes I am passionate about and utilizing MCAD’s resources to grow exponentially intellectually and as an artist in the next two years.

20150829_140241~2

MEETING WATERS

Thank you so much to everyone that was able to stop by to see the opening of Meeting Waters: 2015 MFA Fall Exhibition. We had a great turnout for the MFA showcase; a journey with live performances, paintings, drawings, printmaking, installation, conceptual, films, etc! As a first year in the program, I was blown away by the level of execution and subject matter of my fellow studio mates’ work.

 

 

We have open gallery hours this weekend to catch the show before it comes down Sunday night!

MCAD Whittier Gallery
2840 S Grand Avenue, Minneapolis, MN
Saturday, 8/29 from 12-6
Sunday, 8/30 from 12-4

20150829_140143

Chaos in Nature VII & VIII

Thank you for your support!

Standard
exhibition

The Meeting Waters: MCAD MFA Exhibition

MW WIP 1

Opening Friday, August 28th from 6 to 9 pm at the Whittier Gallery, The Meeting Waters is an exhibition of the students of the MFA program at the Minneapolis College of Art & Design!

Exploring the theme of ‘transition’ has been invigorating as I prepare to move to Minneapolis, strengthen friendships, say goodbye to family, and welcome the vulnerability of new meetings.

The above paintings are works in progress, utilizing colors as moods and lines as connections.

Look for more updates on the show and the trip to MN.

Thank you as always for your support!

Standard
fundraiser

< 28 Hours Left to Contribute!

Please consider making a donation (big or small) to help support this incredible journey to MN to pursue an MFA.

There are paintings still available for your generosity and support:

  • 6/10 paintings for $30
  • 2/3 framed drawings for $50
  • Strata (4×4 oil on canvas) for $500

Strata.jpg

Follow the link to donate to my fundraiser, In Pursuit of an MFA: Plastics vs Our Environment.

Thank you so much for your support!

Standard